The hole swallows me whole.  Consumes me, total.

I am only a hole.  Insatiable.  Unable to be filled.  Unfathomable.  Hollow.

In my space and time I seek.  I told myself I was whole. I thought I loved myself.  I lost myself in the hole.  I walked down into it and then it was covered over.

Am I in a hole?

I feel pressure to be someone and no is even expecting that.  I feel pressure placed on myself, coming from outside me; it’s a figment of my imagination.

I feel trapped inside but also I like it in here.  I feel like I should get out but also it’s cozy in here.  I feel like something is wrong with me but also I’m kind of fine right now.

I’m only not fine because I tell myself that something is wrong with me.  I see other people doing things and I tell myself I can’t do those things.  Or I won’t do those things.  But I want to do those things.  And I don’t want to do anything.

What is the day if there is nothing to show for it?  What is the point of life if I never leave my cave?  What is the point of anything if no one likes me?



One moment, you’re human, the next moment, an animal.

It is probably the last night, as I slump beneath his sheets, clawing at his will.

Everything is a fucking façade.

Tell me you love me.  I know it’s true.

A mask worn.

A need for approval.

Mascara running, hysterical, drunk.

Once the admiration fades, the mask is removed.

I demand that you tell me how much I mean to you.

The animal is exposed.

I can imagine what he is thinking.

Who the hell is this?

She is nothing like I thought.

She can’t be trusted.

She will ruin my life.

Heart Shivers and Beautiful Women

From March 2018:

Today.  My car is getting an oil change.

Today.  I am sitting outside a smoothie shop typing, listening to ‘easy pop’ to get in the zone.  The sun is shining on my nose, lips, chin, neck, chest, shoulders, fingers, solar plexus, arms.  A puppy is next to me chewing on a bush.

Earlier today.  I spoke to my best friend Mallory for an hour.  I spoke to Lamberto.  I made a salad out of the back of my car.  I got $20 in gas and went poop in a Giant Gas Station.  I gave a carrot to Marga that had two legs.  She carved a woman’s body into it.  I woke up to Marga singing Om Namah Shivaya with her harmonium.  Or was she singing her light language song with the ukulele?

Marga. I had the pleasure of working with her two shifts at Chocolatree.  A beautiful light radiates from her.  She smiles into my soul.  She sings like a freaking angel.  She has taught me to love myself fully; to let my heart sing.  Mahalo, Marga.

On Sunday.  I said goodbye to Niki.  We woke up and went to the spa at Los Abrigados.  We used the steam shower, the sauna, the saltwater pool, the hot tub, and the showers.  We ate lunch in our cars.  We met at Lulu’s for cacao and walked to the farmer’s market.  We took pictures in the Lulu studio with Marga.  She gave me firewood and water.

Niki.  She is on a self-discovery road trip.  She lives in Brooklyn, NY.  She is a rooftop gardener.  She is deep and dark and determined.  She is an artist.  She is so cool.  She’s at the Grand Canyon today.  She and I understand each other.

This week, I felt what it feels like to have friends again.  This feeling/experience truly came at the perfect time, because I was struggling a little bit with loneliness.

Being my own father and mother

self care and spa days

fires and releasing the past



heart shivers


healing in abundance

abundance of chocolate and food and beautiful women

Can I Cut It?

I’ve been actually traveling around in a van for the last two weeks.  I say ‘actually traveling’ because I’ve mostly been stationary since I moved into my car in January of 2018.  Yes, I have moved to different places over the last 8 months, but once I arrived, I stayed there for at least a few weeks.  This is the first time that I have been moving to new places every couple of days.  And I’m not alone.  I’m traveling in my partner’s van with him.  It has been incredibly disorienting and ungrounding.  I feel like I have an emotional case of vertigo.  Yes, it’s been fun.  It has been relaxing, at times.  We are extremely lucky to be able to live like this.  And…I have never craved a bedroom so much in this time as I do now.  I have never craved a retreat into blankets or nature.  Solitude.  Meditation.  Silence. I think the first thing that makes it challenging is the compromise.  The constant need to communicate so we both get, well, what we need.  I am so grateful that open and honest communication has been the foundation of our relationship.  And yet, I see how easily things go unsaid, assumptions go unchecked, disappointments are inevitable.  Sometimes, when I am with another person, I don’t even know what I want.   Or more likely, I know what I want, but it’s buried so deep beneath the fear of rejection, that I have a hard time finding it.  He asks, “Do you want to go to a cafe?” And I feel.  I literally just feel.  And often, what I feel is twisting.  Or absence.  Absence of thought.  Absence of direction. Just a feeling.  An indescribable desire to please the other.  In this moment, I sit in a coffeeshop.  I write for the first time in fucking months.  It feels good to put thoughts to form; to written realness.  No conclusions at this time.  Just a need to express the nearly unexpressed torment of a deep-thinking feeler.

Gymnopedie No.1

I took care of you.  When you were stressed or overwhelmed, I comforted you.

When you were sad, I held you.

When you were angry, I tried to calm you.

When you were excited, I went off duty.

When you were happy, I let you be you.

When you were content, I went to my garden to tend.

I went to my heart to mend; to lend a helping hand.

You were my number one.

I was always my number two.

It makes sense that you miss me.  I supported you being you.

But can you see the limitations of this relationship?

Why did I take care of you?

What did it do for me?

All of my energy wrapped up in you.

Nothing left for Stephanie.

It’s no wonder I felt like I was living your life.

I gave myself no time to do much of anything but think about you and us and how much I resented you.

Now I’m taking care of myself.

I cry and I laugh.

I get angry too.

Can you believe it?

I have needs just as real as you.

It’s natural to want to point blame here.

Was it me?

Was it you?

My goodness, it was karma that brought us together and to see the lesson will only benefit us two.

So what is the moral, the teaching, the Truth?

Love yourself first, and then the rest will love you too.

I feel like I’m losing a child, a lover, a curse.  Seriously, I’ve never felt more relieved from my duties but at times I’ve never felt worse.  I needed you just as much as you needed me.  You were my everything.  You were my hearse.  That’s no way to live, putting the other always first.

It’s a Girl

It’s a girl!

A new baby girl.

The parents: Me.

The child: Me.

Mom: Me.

Dad: Me.

Who do I want to raise this child to be?

What can we teach her?

How, also, can we let her be free?

Free from fear.

Free from limiting beliefs.

Free from separation.

Free from critique.

Open completely to an abundant reality.

Open fully to being unique.

To being loved and loving equally.

She feels safe.

She is provided for.

She is In Joy.

She is daring.

Daring to follow her heart from day one.

What other way would it be?

But in comes society,



She needs to learn how to live in this world.

Not offend anyone with her Truth,

with her Freedom.

She must not stand out,

for fear she might be seen.

That’s total bullshit.

I see you,

you see me.

Let’s look down deep and see

the serene landscape within each and every being.

This child of mine will not be asked to hide her flame,

her spark,

not by me.

No longer shall I encourage her to experience guilt or shame as a requirement of being ‘healthy’.

You’re already perfect,






Welcome to Earth School,

beautiful baby, Stephanie.


Call of the Wild

Oh, the distance I have come.
Oh, the distance I will go.
Continually on the path towards growth.
For the past 30 years that growth was imperceptibly slow.
Normal rates of maturation that come with age.
Once I hit that last exact there was an altered speed beyond my comprehension.
Time sped up.
Mind slowed down.
I spent lots of time alone.
For the first time ever, I preferred it that way.
Didn’t need constant company to feel fed and unafraid.
Wanted to study and walk alone on the warm desert days.
Started to pray:
please show me the way.
At last the day came that I wanted to engage.
I felt the urge, the desire, the pangs.
I wanted to talk and to love,
to share and to exchange.
But where do I go, I asked, to fulfill my desires?
Do I go Australia, to Phoenix, to LA?
I wasn’t certain of much, except for the date.
Must be out by December 31st.
Rainy determined that fate.
On my road trip around the Utah state,
I decided,
I shall live in my car.
I’ve seen it done before.
Just need to get rid of some more.
Load my car with my most treasured possessions.
Prepared to explore.
Find somewhere warm.
That was for sure.
I drove away from the tiny temple at 12pm the last day of the year.
I bowed my head low,
palms in prayer.
Said, “God, I’ll lend you my ear.”
But please Speak!
My father is asking me questions:
Where will you sleep?
Do you have any money, Stephanie?
What would you have done without me?
I’m going to Anthony’s.
He’s out of town.
I’ll sneak in through the window and place some stuff around.
Maybe they won’t notice.
I knew I couldn’t stay,
but could they blame me for leaving a few boxes?
That night Anthony texted me,
”Steph, Sedona is amazing. I think you would love it here!”
I wasn’t at first receptive to his message because all I felt was rejected.
A big brother saying, “You can’t stay here…
But Sedona looks nice!”
I proceeded to not get drunk that night.
New Year’s Eve and Josephine King was looking tight.
My alter ego and I drove around to all the sights.
Dressed up and looking for some fun;
I was fucking lonely,
even with fantasy dripping from my tongue.
I smoked five cigarettes,
but in private,
for fear of looking dumb.
I went home around 11pm feeling absurdly numb.
Absurdly uncertain.
Absurdly frightened.
Absurdly One.
One person in the world.
Lots of dreams but no where to go.
I saw my mom on New Year’s Day.
We went for a hike.
I told her I was moving to LA.
I told her Anthony tried to pawn me off on Sedona.
No way, José.
I see what you’re doing there, brother bear.
She said, “Stephanie, that might be amaze!
Imagine a place with beautiful red rocks where everyone talks about energy and grace.
You might as well go since you’ve already paid…”
For the yoga festival in six weeks time.
Surely I can find a job and earn some dime.
The weather indeed looks fine.
And just like that, the direction on my compass redefined.
Or refined?
Certainly tuned to what was more aligned.
I drove to Sunset Point.
I slept all afternoon, but I didn’t mind.
No true obligations were placed on my time.
It was January 2nd,
first day of my life,
where I am an authentic explorer.
Seeking a peace within that only comes from honest expression and utter support,
from my oldest companion,
of course.
And God as my Source.
Together we plotted a course.
Arrive in Sedona on January 3rd.
Drive around town.
Carry water,
Chop wood.
Only respond to the call of my heart.
No reactions to pragmatism necessary.
No longer being guided by ‘shoulds’.
With a certainty that I shall be provided for;
Because, my dear ones,
with Faith,


Mother, Father, Child

Right hand over left,

I begin the internal quest

to answer the questions that rest

on my lips,

on my tongue,

on my mind,

on my breast.



in need of digest.

Radically nourished,

mind begins to meld,

into body,

feeling held.

Singing softly,

mother’s milk.

Sipping slowly,

get my fill.

Supremely safe.


no trace

of the outside place.

Strong boundaries holding space.

My father’s face,

warm and washed with grace.

Images come.




You are an infinite one,

meditating on life in the desert.

Relish in the pleasure.

In the present.

In the pressure.

Relish in each morsel.

The deep buried treasure,

within us all.

Within a brawl.

Within a baby’s first crawl.

The witnessing of someone’s raw.

Take a moment,

see it all.

Accept the heartbreak.

Accept the ecstatic joy.

Each and every moment,


To this fleeting world I say, “Ahoy, matey,

climb aboard.

Let’s sail the waters of the Lord,

the Lady,

Goddess and God.



Source of It All. ✨❤️



Sedona Love

The last time I wrote was almost a month ago, to this day.  Today is February 23, 2018.  I am sitting in the Chocolatree trying to silence out the nom nom chanting going on above my head, the pull to connect with my beautiful Tree Sisters, and the burning sensation inside of my solar plexus.  Last night I woke up at 2 am dreaming about Chiron, friends’ birth charts, and a man who was making prayer hands on his forehead toward me.  I laid for a moment in my little Subi Shiva and remembered.  Felt the inspiration pulsating through my veins.  Remembered.  I pushed the hatchback door open from behind my head and felt a cool, calm night on my back.  I wiggled out of my sleeping bag, pivoted my hips around, found my slippers to my right and slid them on my feet.  My feet touched the ground and I moved two steps to the left.  I pulled down my sweatpants and leaned against the cold metal of the car with my hand and peed.  I looked up.  In the sky, calling out to me, a star.  Or a planet?  I crawled back into my cocoon.  I did an interview with myself about what was alive in me at that moment:

Excitement about astrology, questions about karma, Yashua, the future, Chiron, North Node in Pisces, North Node in Taurus, 3rd House, 7th House, 10th House, 4th House, interviews with wise children, interviews with everyone: What is alive in you right now, what is your highest excitement? What is love? What is true for you in this moment?,  heartburn and indigestion, sleeplessness, excitement, energy, momentum, possibility, eager anticipation, joy, gratitude, love, ideas, projects, passions, Chocolatree, some judgment, desire to sleep, goodnight.

Man.  So much has developed, sustained, and changed in the last month.  So freaking much.  Last night I changed my name at work to Sol.  Short for Soloman.  Pronounced like Saul or Soul.  I’ve only told three people.  One loved it.  One, not so much.  The other, too self-involved to care.  I feel resonant with King Soloman.  With the name.  With the Sun (Sol).  And with my Soul.

I just ate a waffle with macadamia nut butter, almond butter and honey.  I also had a kefir parfait with apples, blueberries and bananas.  I am so stuffed with food.

A month seems like a lot of time to recap.  I guess there’s no pressure to do anything. I’ve been feeling cracked wide open in my heart space recently.  I’ve also been using that as an excuse to eat cacao everyday from Lulu’s.  But seriously, I feel like my heart is waking up to the beauty and the love and the joy and abundance that life has to offer.  And the cacao has had a profound effect on the shaking loose of crust that’s built up around my heart space.  I advise everyone to have some real cacao, a cacao ceremony, delicious chocolate and lots and lots of loving friends!!!

It’s supposed to snow in Sedona today.  I saw a few flakes this morning when I woke up.  I love it here.  I love love love it here.  Thank you, Sedona, for teaching how to love again.  ❤️