Oh, the distance I have come.
Oh, the distance I will go.
Continually on the path towards growth.
For the past 30 years that growth was imperceptibly slow.
Normal rates of maturation that come with age.
Once I hit that last exact there was an altered speed beyond my comprehension.
Time sped up.
Mind slowed down.
I spent lots of time alone.
For the first time ever, I preferred it that way.
Didn’t need constant company to feel fed and unafraid.
Wanted to study and walk alone on the warm desert days.
Started to pray:
please show me the way.
At last the day came that I wanted to engage.
I felt the urge, the desire, the pangs.
I wanted to talk and to love,
to share and to exchange.
But where do I go, I asked, to fulfill my desires?
Do I go Australia, to Phoenix, to LA?
I wasn’t certain of much, except for the date.
Must be out by December 31st.
Rainy determined that fate.
On my road trip around the Utah state,
I shall live in my car.
I’ve seen it done before.
Just need to get rid of some more.
Load my car with my most treasured possessions.
Prepared to explore.
Find somewhere warm.
That was for sure.
I drove away from the tiny temple at 12pm the last day of the year.
I bowed my head low,
palms in prayer.
Said, “God, I’ll lend you my ear.”
But please Speak!
My father is asking me questions:
Where will you sleep?
Do you have any money, Stephanie?
What would you have done without me?
I’m going to Anthony’s.
He’s out of town.
I’ll sneak in through the window and place some stuff around.
Maybe they won’t notice.
I knew I couldn’t stay,
but could they blame me for leaving a few boxes?
That night Anthony texted me,
”Steph, Sedona is amazing. I think you would love it here!”
I wasn’t at first receptive to his message because all I felt was rejected.
A big brother saying, “You can’t stay here…
But Sedona looks nice!”
I proceeded to not get drunk that night.
New Year’s Eve and Josephine King was looking tight.
My alter ego and I drove around to all the sights.
Dressed up and looking for some fun;
I was fucking lonely,
even with fantasy dripping from my tongue.
I smoked five cigarettes,
but in private,
for fear of looking dumb.
I went home around 11pm feeling absurdly numb.
One person in the world.
Lots of dreams but no where to go.
I saw my mom on New Year’s Day.
We went for a hike.
I told her I was moving to LA.
I told her Anthony tried to pawn me off on Sedona.
No way, José.
I see what you’re doing there, brother bear.
She said, “Stephanie, that might be amaze!
Imagine a place with beautiful red rocks where everyone talks about energy and grace.
You might as well go since you’ve already paid…”
For the yoga festival in six weeks time.
Surely I can find a job and earn some dime.
The weather indeed looks fine.
And just like that, the direction on my compass redefined.
Certainly tuned to what was more aligned.
I drove to Sunset Point.
I slept all afternoon, but I didn’t mind.
No true obligations were placed on my time.
It was January 2nd,
first day of my life,
where I am an authentic explorer.
Seeking a peace within that only comes from honest expression and utter support,
from my oldest companion,
And God as my Source.
Together we plotted a course.
Arrive in Sedona on January 3rd.
Drive around town.
Only respond to the call of my heart.
No reactions to pragmatism necessary.
No longer being guided by ‘shoulds’.
With a certainty that I shall be provided for;
Because, my dear ones,
IT’S ALL GOOD.