Structure

”Saturn teaches one virtue above all others: self-discipline.  That is the key to understanding the symbol… Saturn seeks to focus the will.  To teach us the most elusive of arts: how to do exactly what we please.  How to make our intentions dominant over our fears, our laziness, our emotions.  Jupiter is the planet of faith.  But in a sense it is Saturn that truly deserves that title.  Jupiter gives us the feeling of faith, but often by supporting us with a thousand crutches.  “Sure, I’ve got faith.  Life is great.  Look at my bank account, my sexy mate, my brand new Mercedes…” Saturn’s approach to faith is not like that.  He takes away the crutches.  He shows us darkness, impossibility, certain defeat.  Then he asks, “Do you still have faith?”  Again, this faith has nothing to do with religion.  It is faith in life, in oneself, in our dreams and visions, in our ideals.  It is faith in the idea that we have a destiny.  And only if those visions can stand alone, unassisted, in the face of absolute impossibility, can we say that we truly have faith.” -Steven Forrest, The Inner Sky

I am in the deep end of my first Saturn return.  What this means is that Saturn has returned to the same place in the sky that it was when I was born.  Saturn takes 28.5 years approximately to orbit our sun.  I’ve been doing a lot of soul searching, particularly in the last two years.  The way I see it, Saturn has been asking me to re-evaluate the foundation upon which I’ve built my life, and re-organize that structure, if necessary.  I started asking myself the question “who am I and what do I want?” I tried to squeeze, adjust, conform, and make fit my desires into the current framework of my life. It wasn’t working.  I decided to tap into my intuition to find what life was calling me to do.  And what I found there, was a call to move. But where to, I asked?  Go home.  Leave everyone and everything I know?  Yes.  What for?  To know yourself.  And to be authentic.

”[Your inner guidance] speaks in whispers, and sometimes we can hesitate, not knowing if we have understood rightly.  But the indications are clear: in following the inner guide you will feel more whole, more integrated, as if you are moving outwards from the very center of your being.  If you follow it, this beam of light will carry you exactly where you need to go.” -Osho, Zen Tarot

So, I set a plan in motion.  I prepared.  I gave my notice at work.  I cleaned houses and saved money.  I talked with my friends.  I secured a place to live.  I got an oil change.  I brainstormed people I could hang out with when I got there so I didn’t get lonely.  I thought about how I would keep myself busy.  I thought about the new life I would build for myself.  I researched yoga studios and community events.  I looked for jobs.  I said goodbye a few too many times.  I visited my favorite meadows.  I looked a little longer into the faces of those I love.  I stared at the mountains, swam in the lake.  Took videos.  Went to parties.  Bought gifts for my dearest friends.  Smelled the sheets.  Went over the checklist.  Looked around at everything I was leaving.  Packed my car.  Paid the electric bill.  Ate My Thai as much as possible.  Signed the lease over.  And then what, just go?  That was the hardest fucking moment.  To just drive away.  From the friends, from the mountains, from the lake, from the bed and the orange sheets, from the security, from the known, from my best friend.  And why, God, why?! For Authenticity? For Spiritual Growth? For Honesty and Truth?

I could have never prepared myself for this.

“Even in the ever-changing flow of life there are moments in which we come to a point of completion.  In these moments we are able to perceive the whole picture, the composite of all the small pieces that have occupied our attention for so long.  In the finishing, we can either be in despair because we don’t want the situation to come to an end, or we can be grateful and accepting of the fact that life is full of endings and new beginnings.”   -Osho, Zen Tarot